If you know someone struggling with an eating disorder, and you’re wondering how you can help, let me first tell you that you are not alone—whether you’re a parent, sibling, other relative, or friend. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve encountered who want to know that very same thing: “How can I help?”

But it’s tricky, right? Because while you might feel desperate to do something, you also don’t want to do or say the wrong thing.

Let me share a few suggestions that might help, not as a family member or friend, but as someone who once battled an eating disorder for over a decade of my life. I speak from that experience.

10 Ways to Support a Family Member or Friend Struggling with an Eating Disorder

1. Pray, pray, pray.

This includes praying for your loved one’s recovery and for yourself. Here are a few prayer ideas to get you started:

• Pray for your loved one’s relationship with God. Their health. Their choices. Pray for their eyes to be open and heart receptive to God’s truth. Pray that they will seek freedom in God’s strength, not their own.
• Ask God for wisdom, guidance, patience, peace. Ask Him to give you strength. Ask Him to help you listen better, love without judgment, and be the support your family member or friend needs right now.

2. Acknowledge that you can’t fix anyone or force them to change.

This applies to every area of life, really. In the context of recovery, it is important to understand and remember that, no matter how badly you want someone to stop the eating disorder behaviors or just eat more or seek professional help—or whatever recovery might look like in your mind—you can’t make it happen. YOU can’t make it happen.

The person struggling has to want recovery. They have to choose it for themselves, and until they do, no amount of poking, prodding, pleading, forcing, or manipulating will work—at least not long-term.

3. Be available.

You might want to talk about it all day every day to resolve the issue. Your loved one in the thick of an eating disorder might not feel the same right now. Rather than force a conversation that isn’t going anywhere, make it known that you’re available to chat any time. And, make it clear that you are willing to talk on their terms, not yours. (Keep reading for more tips on how to have a conversation once they’re ready.)

4. Be a safe space.

Likely, before your family member or friend is willing to have a real conversation with you, they’ll need to believe you are a safe person they can trust with their feelings, frustrations, fears, insecurities, doubts, and more. They need to believe that you will not judge them, shame them, feel disappointed in them, or love them less.

5. Listen without judgment.

If you do earn the status of a safe person, the first step is to listen. Just listen. Let them say what they need or want to say. Let them get it out with no interruptions.

And then, do not judge. Do not condemn. Do not respond in an accusatory way or a way that makes them feel like a failure. That is the surest way to push them away and lose any trust you might have built to that point.

6. Listen without feeling the need to have all the answers.

This is another one of those general life lessons. Not everyone who comes to you is seeking advice. Sometimes, people just want to feel seen and heard. It can also be more harmful than helpful to give advice on anything you don’t fully understand.

So I need you to hear this. It’s okay to not know the answers. A better response might be to ask if you can pray with them—because God does have the answers.

7. Encourage without being pushy.

Encouragement is welcomed when it doesn’t come with pressure to reach a certain goal or milestone in recovery. Offering encouraging words and praise can be motivating; however, be cautious to do so in a way that lets them know they don’t have to earn your love or support.

8. Be patient.

I cannot emphasize this enough. Recovery is a marathon, not a sprint. It is a long process and there are no shortcuts. If you feel that your loved one is not recovering as quickly as you hoped they would, I ask that you stop right now and pray for patience.

There is no one-size-fits-all timeline for recovery. You might read an article or hear a story about someone else’s recovery and think that’s what it will—or should—look like for your family member or friend. Please do not compare recovery journeys.

And don’t be discouraged! Not only will the recovery timeline vary from person to person, it will also not look linear. Ups and downs are normal. They happen.

Please, please, please practice patience.

9. Be a good example.

I do not want this to sound accusatory; however, it is crucial for you to examine your own life and see if you are inadvertently creating any triggers. How do you speak about your own body? How do you treat your body? Are you on a diet? How is your relationship with food, exercise, body image, etc.?

Like it or not, you have an influence if you are close to someone struggling with an eating disorder. And if you are realizing right now that there are things you could change—words, actions, mindsets—that would help your loved one, I pray that you will consider making those changes.

It could even be an opportunity for you to be vulnerable and have an honest conversation with that person and acknowledge that you sometimes struggle, too.

There is no shame in that. Body image issues and diet culture are deeply rooted in our society, and you are not alone if you feel challenged in these areas—even if you don’t personally struggle with an eating disorder.

10. Seek support for yourself. (therapy, support group, ask others for prayer)

Watching a friend or family member struggle with an eating disorder is HARD. It’s okay to admit that. While it’s certainly not easy for your loved one, it’s also not easy for you on the other side.

You might feel helpless, hopeless, frustrated, scared, angry, lost, or any number of emotions—and I just told you that you shouldn’t project that on the person who is struggling. So what are you supposed to do about your own feelings?

Seek help.

This can look like therapy or counseling. But it can also look like group support.

Did you know? You can join an online support group or prayer group with others like you—family and friends who want to help. Here are a few that I know of and would recommend:

• FINDINGbalance online community groups
• Rock Recovery prayer support groups for loved ones
• Charis Eating Disorder Care resources and support groups

Eating Disorder Recovery Podcast

Another resource that might help is my podcast—the Recover with God Podcast.

Not only do I share my own story of recovery, but I also interview guests who have recovered and professionals in the eating disorder recovery space.

I also make a point to ask (most) guests for advice that might help a family member or friend who wants to support their loved one.

If you are struggling to help someone with an eating disorder today, I hope this helps you. I know it can be hard. I also know that you are not alone in this struggle. There is help and hope for you, too.

And the best place to start is with God. Pray, pray, pray.

READ MORE on what to say and what not to say to someone with an eating disorder.