Do you ever feel like no one understands you?

OR, on the flip side… Do you feel that if people knew the real you, they wouldn’t understand you?

Feeling Misunderstood is Valid

Feeling misunderstood is a valid feeling that can spark other feelings.

Judgment. Embarrassment. Resentment. Or maybe you feel ignored. Unappreciated. Unloved.

I’m sure a whole bunch of feeling are popping into your head right now.

How I’ve Felt Misunderstood

Yes. I can relate!

Personally, I felt misunderstood a LOT — as a kid, a teenager, young adult, and even now in my 40s. Misunderstood, just for being me.

I don’t say that to blame anyone. I’m only being honest about my feelings. Though, to be even more honest, there were times I didn’t realize that “misunderstood” was the emotion I felt.

Looking back, now I know.

You see, I am an introvert. My energy comes from recharging alone, and interacting with people inevitably drains me mentally. It’s how I’m wired. Unfortunately, it can be perceived as “I don’t want to spend time with you,” which isn’t the case!

On top of being introverted, I also grew up SUPER shy. I hated being shy but didn’t know how to “fix” it. Inside, I knew I had a vibrant personality, but not many experienced it unless they took the time to get to know me. Shyness takes time and trust to wear down.

Of course, I can also be pretty quirky with my sense of humor and random thoughts. Part of me wondered for a very long time if anyone would like that side of me — outside of my family.

Books were my comfort zone. I couldn’t stop reading. The minute I finished one, I was on to the next. While the vast majority of kids my age either hated library day or opted for the quick reads, I was reading novels as early as elementary school. Anne of Green Gables, anyone? Sure, I loved a good Babysitter’s Club chapter book as much as the next tween, but finishing the 8th and final book of the Anne series in 4th grade was the stuff that lit my soul on fire.

I was also that kid who did homework first thing after school and on Friday nights. My logic was, get it done as soon as possible to move on to fun things — like reading — without the homework looming over my head. It was hard for me to enjoy free time if I knew there was work left undone.

Reading books ignited my adventurous spirit. At a very early age, I was desperate to fly in an airplane. See more of the world than the state I lived in. And not just beach vacations or cruises to the Bahamas. I wanted to visit other countries. Go places most people only read about in books. I was a dreamer, and while my dreams made me feel alive, they also made me feel alone.

And then there were my feelings and emotions. The day-to-day ones. How I reacted to life. Without getting too diagnostic, I realize now that my emotional intelligence (or EQ) is on the higher end of the spectrum. But, back in the 80s, 90s, and early 2000s, I had no idea what an EQ even was.

Oh, and values. Throughout my ENTIRE life, I’ve encountered people who don’t understand my values or my faith. A lack of understanding, I can tolerate, but a lack of respect is tougher to navigate. Thankfully, I’m no longer afraid to do or say what I believe is right, personally and professionally — but it took a lot of growth for me to get here, and the growing continues.

I tell you all of this because feeling misunderstood can seem innocent enough, but the damage can be significant if you don’t know how to deal with it.

For a long, long time, I didn’t.

It made me really insecure. I thought maybe I was doing life wrong, and everyone else had it figured out the right way. I second guess(ed) myself a lot. I was — and still am — very indecisive.

At times, feeling misunderstood led me to become someone I’m not. Too many times, I’ve compared myself to people who seem understood and then tried to be like them. As a teenager and young adult, that led me to develop an eating disorder. I believed the lie that people would take more time to get to know me if I was skinnier and prettier since I couldn’t figure out how to stop being shy. Spoiler alert: That’s not the way it works.

Other times, I’ve isolated myself. Introvert that I am, I generally thrive being on my own. But, it’s not healthy when it’s done to avoid being misunderstood.

Unfortunately, others’ misunderstanding of me has — at times — has led me to react with frustration, resentfulness, bitterness, and even more negative emotions that I let build up and fester. I don’t recommend it!

Yet, on top of all of that, a part of me grew up terrified that if anyone did really know me, they would think I was strange. An imposter. Seriously flawed.

All lies, of course, but gosh. They messed with my head.

The Truth About Feeling Misunderstood

But here’s the thing I missed most of my life. The thing that changes everything.

I’m not the only one who’s ever felt misunderstood. It’s just not something people typically talk about, right?

Well, that’s why we’re talking about it now.

Feeling misunderstood can be terribly isolating because it’s easy to feel like you’re the only one. You’re not.

Think of those movies where the jock feels misunderstood because people only know him at a surface level.

Or, movies like Legally Blonde, The Breakfast Club, She’s All That. They all include lead characters who feel misunderstood by the people around them. Can you think of any other movies like that?

I bet you can, because this feeling is ingrained in our culture. In our humanity.

Ways We Can Feel Misunderstood

As my own story shows, there isn’t only one area of life where this feeling can occur.

Maybe your personality is “too much” for some people. Maybe your hobbies and interests seem odd. Maybe someone’s dismissing your emotions. Or questioning your motives. Or judging your style. Your appearance. The list goes on, right?

Let’s go back to motives for a minute. Do you ever feel like your motives are misunderstood?

Do people tend to misunderstand why you do or say things — even when you have good intentions?

People won’t always see your heart behind your words or actions. Or, maybe they don’t WANT to see it.

That’s tough!

But God… He knows your heart and mind. That’s between you and God, and only His opinion matters.

In Psalm 139:23-24 (NLT) we see David praying, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you.”

David checked his motives with God — NOT with other people.

Bible Verses for When You Feel Misunderstood

• Jeremiah 12:3 (NLT) “But as for me, Lord, you know my heart. You see me and test my thoughts…”
• Psalm 139:1 “O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me.”
• God knows you. He created you.
• Psalm 139:13-14 “You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous — how well I know it.”
  • Again, God knows EVERYTHING about us.
  • He made us complex and unique for a PURPOSE.
  • You and I — we are marvelous and if that makes us misunderstood… let’s own it.
• 1 John 3:1 (ESV) “See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God, and so we are. The reason why the world does not know [OR understand] us is that it did not know him.”
• Genesis 1:27 (NLT) “So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.“

Yes, the world is broken.

Not everyone will understand you.

Not everyone NEEDS to understand you.

Because God does.

Focus on Your True Identity in Christ

God doesn’t create anything or anyone without a purpose. He just doesn’t. So, part of your identity is existing for a purpose that God designed just for you to fulfill on this earth.

You are chosen for that purpose.

You are a son or daughter of God.

You are loved. You are forgiven. You are FREE.

What are some other identities you have in Christ? Think about them. Dwell on them.

And, speaking of Christ…

Jesus Was Misunderstood

That’s right. He was.

In a LOT of ways.

By a LOT of people.

Jesus was misunderstood for how he spoke. The topics he addressed. Who he healed. Who he ate dinner with. Yes, his motives, too.

Basically, Jesus’ entire existence was in question. Religious leaders accused him of lying about being the Son of God. Some even thought he was in league with the devil.

In Luke 7:33-35 (NLT), Jesus called out a few of those religious rulers: “John the Baptist didn’t spend his time eating bread or drinking wine, and you say, ‘He’s possessed by a demon.’ The Son of Man, on the other hand feasts and drinks, and you say, ‘He’s a glutton and a drunkard, and a friend of tax collectors and other sinners!’ But wisdom is shown to be right by the lives of those who follow it.”

His point being: sometimes you can’t win no matter what you do, but remain confident if you know you’re following and living by the truth.

What Did Jesus Do When He Was Misunderstood?

Sometimes, he stayed silent. It’s not always worth arguing when you know who you are and are confident in your own path and purpose.

“But when the leading priests and the elders made their accusations against him, Jesus remained silent.”

Matthew 27:12 (NLT)

Sometimes, he proved them wrong. SHOWING the truth without telling it can often be more powerful.

In Mark 2:5-12, Jesus told a paralyzed man that his sins were forgiven. Those religious leaders? They called it blasphemy. “Only God can forgive sins.” But, Jesus said… (to paraphrase) “Watch this! ” and told the paralyzed man to get up and walk. And, the man did.

And then, sometimes, Jesus just owned who he was.

In Matthew 11:19 (NLT), he was called the “friend of tax collectors and other sinners.” Jesus’ response? He kept spending time with those people — openly and unashamedly!

In Matthew 26:63-64 (NLT):

⁶³ “the high priest said to him, ‘I demand in the name of the living God—tell us if you are the Messiah, the Son of God.'”

⁶⁴ “Jesus replied, ‘You have said it. And in the future you will see the Son of Man seated in the place of power at God’s right hand and coming on the clouds of heaven.'”

In Luke 6:22-23 (NLT), Jesus even says, “What blessings await you when people hate you and exclude you and mock you and curse you as evil because you follow the Son of Man. when that happens, be happy! Yes, leap for joy! For a great reward awaits you in heaven.”

Let’s Recap…

• Not everyone will understand you. That is a guarantee in this life.
• But, not everyone needs to understand you, because God created you to be unique and original —and HE understands you.
• God is the ONLY ONE whose understanding truly matters.
• Plus, you are not alone in feeling misunderstood. Everyone feels misunderstood at some point.
• Even Jesus was misunderstood. But, he knew his purpose. He knew his truth was THE TRUTH. He knew his motives were pure and right. He only answered to God.
• And, Jesus considered it a joy to be misunderstood because he knew the truth. You can do the same.

Go to God When You Feel Misunderstood

Because here’s what happens when you (1) DON’T focus on God and (2) DON’T go to God with your feelings. 

Remember when I shared that feeling misunderstood sometimes made me feel bitter toward people? Or isolated? Ultimately, it made me afraid to trust people, too. I don’t want that for you!

Here’s the hard truth.

When you feel misunderstood and allow it to build into bitterness, feeling offended, and going it alone… that is the result of pride. Yes, pride, because you’re allowing yourself to only focus on ME.

The antidote to pride is right in Matthew 22:37-39:

³⁷ “Jesus replied, ‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ ³⁸ This is the first and greatest commandment. ³⁹ A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ ⁴⁰ The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.”

Both commandments are key, because — remember? — other people feel misunderstood, too.

The more you and I stay focused on God — on our identity in Him, His truth, and the purpose He gave us — the less we will worry about being misunderstood.

The more we focus on making other people feel understood — the more we realize we’re not alone AND we get to help others feel heard and less alone.

In Luke 6:28 (NLT), Jesus says to “Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you.”

Even the people who misunderstand you need prayer and kindness and understanding. They are likely hurting others because they feel hurt somehow.

Jesus finishes that section in Luke verse 31, by saying “Do to others as you would like them to do to you.”

Don’t let your identity be “misunderstood.”

You are understood — right here, right now, in your messy life — by the God of the universe.

Okay? Now live like you believe it.