Let’s start with a story about my peach tree.

In 2020, we thought it might be fun to own a fruit tree when we found a tiny, cheap one at a local nursery. Sold.

We planted it in 2020 and did all the required watering.

When 2021 peach season came and went with only four small peaches, I’ll admit, I was disappointed. But, it was progress.

Sure enough! In 2022, that tiny tree grew 30 peaches. Still small, but still progress. I imagined what the following year would bring. More peaches? Bigger peaches? Either way, I expected growth.

But 2023 brought us a late frost. Late for Knoxville, Tennessee anyway. Some of our plants didn’t survive, but our peach tree was a trouper—sprouting leaves in early spring. Yet, where was the fruit?

Spring passed. Summer passed. No peaches.

After a quick Google search, I learned that an early frost can result in no fruit that year. The tree wasn’t dead. We didn’t have to buy a new one or start all over on the care and maintenance. We weren’t failures as peach tree owners. It was simply a setback. The tree would recover and be fruitful again.

So, why am I telling you this?

The Truth About Setbacks vs. Failure

When I got serious about recovering from bulimia back in 2016, I had to face a giant lie I’d believed for yearsssss. That lie was this:

Even one setback was utter failure. As in, all my progress was wiped out. RUINED. It didn’t count… which meant I had to start all over again, from the very beginning.

Again, it was all a LIE.

But, as long as I believed it, my recovery was doomed. Controlled by fear. Shame. Failure. Despair. I questioned how I would ever recover with such an overwhelming standard. Was it even possible?

For years, my answer was no. It’s not possible. So why even try?

Thankfully, I learned the truth. And more importantly, I learned to choose the truth—even when it seemed counterintuitive and my mind screamed FAILURE over and over. But, I had a choice. I always had this choice. (1) I could give into the lie of failure, or (2) I could sit with it, let it be loud, and tell it that it wasn’t true.

One step back does NOT disqualify the progress made up to that point. One mistake doesn’t equal ultimate failure. Once I started to believe that, I could move forward with recovery instead of starting over every time—or worse, giving up.

Friend, this lesson was LIFE-CHANGING for me.

It helped me let go of perfectionism and doing it in my own strength, to instead rely on God’s strength AND grace to power me through recovery.

BUT. The lesson doesn’t stop there. It’s about so much more than recovering from an eating disorder, or any sort of addiction.

Why Is It So Hard to Change?

Have you ever pinpointed an area of your life you want to change?

Maybe your goal is to be more present in the moment. Or maybe, learn to control your temper. Or stop struggling with anxiety. Or stop complaining so much. Or, stop comparing yourself to other people. Whatever it is you want to change or stop doing, it takes a period of growth, right?

It usually doesn’t happen overnight. So why do we always think it will?

Why do we beat ourselves up when we think we’ve “changed” after a few days or a week of a new behavior, but inevitably have a setback?

You spend a week successfully staying present and then revert back to grabbing your phone. Ugh.

You bite your tongue several times instead of reacting with anger and it feels like you’ve got it under control, but then a random conversation makes you blow your top.

You start giving God your anxious thoughts and your mind feels more at peace, until one day, you find yourself spiraling with worry for hours before remembering to go to God.

You’re on a role with praying when you’d rather complain, and then a majorly irritating situation spurs a massive complaint fest to blow off steam—but leaves you feeling guilty.

Or, you’ve gotten SO good at not comparing yourself to other people, till a random social media post leaves you feeling like a mess or a failure or not good enough. And suddenly, you feel like you’re starting back at square one.

Trust me when I say, I’ve been there. I’m typing from experience here.

You Are Not a Failure

Repeat that to yourself. You are not a failure when you decide to work on an area of your life and the progress is not linear.

You are not a failure when it feels like one step forward, two steps back.

You are not a failure because you forgot to apply what you’re learning in a moment of attack from the enemy.

Remember the lesson I shared that helped me recover from bulimia?

One step back does NOT disqualify the progress made up to that point. One mistake doesn’t equal ultimate failure.

What matters instead is what you do AFTER the step back. AFTER the mistake. AFTER you feel like you’ve screwed up yet again and you’ll never get it right.

How to Cope With Feeling Like a Failure

1. Tell yourself the truth —  I am not a failure. My progress is still valid.
2. Don’t let one setback dictate the rest of your day — I don’t have to start over tomorrow; I can continue where I left off today.
3. Acknowledge your growth — I’m getting better at noticing behavior I want to change.
4. Forgive yourself — I can let this go because dwelling on mistakes limits my growth.
5. Remember that God forgives you, too — I believe God’s grace is bigger than my mistakes. He is patient with me as I continue to learn.

We see God’s ultimate patience and mercy described in the book of Lamentations:

²² The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
    His mercies never cease.
²³ Great is his faithfulness;
    his mercies begin afresh each morning.

Lamentations 3:22-23 (NLT)

Why is He so patient?

Because He is faithful to us. He LOVES us. Unconditionally.

Because there is no limit to His mercy. He always welcomes us back.

Every morning — and dare I add, every MOMENT — is a chance to “begin afresh.”

Notice that “begin afresh” doesn’t mean you have to “start over.” It means you get to start where you left off.

In fact, Cambridge Dictionary states: “If you do something afresh, you deal with it again in a new way.”

Interesting.

So, how do we deal with our struggles in a new way?

Tips to Learn From Your Mistakes

1. Evaluate what went wrong. What triggered you? Acknowledging that trigger will help you recognize it when you “deal with it again.”
2. Decide what you’ll do differently next time. Do you need to take a few deep breaths? Take a walk? Pray? Put the truth on a sticky note as a reminder? Whatever you think will help, do it.
3. Keep starting afresh and reevaluate. As often as you need to. And if one “new way” doesn’t seem to help, test another way.
4. Give yourself grace. Not to excuse your choices, but to keep moving forward.

Remember. You always have a choice.

You can either give into the lie of failure and let it paralyze your progress. Or, you can sit with that destructive feeling — get comfortable with the discomfort — and tell yourself the truth instead.

Over and over and over. Till it sticks.

You’re a Peach (Tree)

So, next time you experience a frosty situation that seems to wipe out all your growth—all your fruit—remember my peach tree. Be like my peach tree. Keep living. Thriving. Growing. Right where you are.

You are not defeated. Your ability to produce fruit is not ruined. The cycle of growth can continue.

Stay rooted in the truth, friend.