I never saw it then, but it’s so clear now. Growing up, I constantly sought validation.

I’m not sure when it started and I’m not pointing fingers either — but as a kid, I was often praised for excelling academically (and in other areas, but mostly for being the smart one) and for being the “good girl.” And while there’s nothing wrong with encouragement and praise, it planted a seed in my brain that performance = praise.

But it went deeper than that. As the roots of the seed grew deep, I came to the false conclusion that not only does performance = praise, but praise = attention, and attention = value or worth. Again, I had no concept of this as a child. Yet, as I reflect back on my life and the motivations behind my choices, I know it to be true.

It was a perfect storm.

You see, even without any praise, I am self-motivated and goal-driven by nature. But gosh. The praise felt good. I never took a Psychology course in my life, but I can only imagine that receiving approval and applause lit up some reward center of my brain like a dopamine hit. A hit of validation. And without continual validation, I questioned my value and needed more praise.

It was a cycle of self-motivation to achieve a goal, fueled by external encouragement and support. Once a goal was achieved and I received validation, that triggered a new motivation to succeed again and avoid losing that precious validation.

I want to stop for a second to look at the definition of validation. According to Merriam-Webster, the word validate means “to recognize, establish, or illustrate the worthiness or legitimacy of.”

When I performed, I was recognized. And the recognition didn’t even have to be public. Any sort of praise — great or small — gave me a false sense of worthiness. I made people happy. Therefore, I mattered.

And, on the flip side, when I didn’t perform… when I didn’t meet or exceed standards… when I participated in something that wasn’t my natural strength… I felt unworthy. I felt like a let-down. I questioned my value. I pushed myself harder. And even when I knew — deep down — that I gave it my all, it still didn’t feel like enough. I still didn’t feel like enough.

I do believe this was a factor in my eventual eating disorder. (You can read more about that part of my story here or listen to Season 1, Episode 1 of my podcast here.)

People Pleasing, Perfectionism, and Validation

In case you haven’t already figured it out… YES, I struggled with people pleasing and perfectionism. Truthfully, I still do, only to a lesser degree because I’m now aware that these tendencies are not positive or healthy. Believe it or not, younger me thought that making other people happy and appearing perfect were good things. Things I could excel at to be appreciated, valued, and loved.

I bought into the lie that pleasing people was an act of unselfishness or humility. I also believed that striving for perfection was a strength and not showing my flaws was a wise strategy.

But the hard truth is that these things are rooted in pride. Yup. Pride. Why? Because I made it all about me. I wanted people to like me. I wanted people to view me as the best — not just average, because average tends to be ignored. And no one wants to be ignored, right? But I failed to realize a few important truths.

1. God Doesn’t Overlook Us

Have you ever thought God was giving you the silent treatment? Or maybe you’ve wondered if He forgot about you? While we can’t always know what God is doing in our lives behind the scenes, we can rest assured that He is always there.

We know this from verses like Psalm 121 (NLT):

¹ I look up to the mountains—
    does my help come from there?
² My help comes from the Lord,
    who made heaven and earth!

³ He will not let you stumble;
    the one who watches over you will not slumber.
⁴ Indeed, he who watches over Israel
    never slumbers or sleeps.

⁵ The Lord himself watches over you!
    The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade.
⁶ The sun will not harm you by day,
    nor the moon at night.

⁷ The Lord keeps you from all harm
    and watches over your life.
⁸ The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go,
    both now and forever.

2. It Doesn’t Matter What Other People Think

People are fickle. Trends change. Opinions and preferences change. What is true for someone today may not be true for them tomorrow.

But God doesn’t change. He declares this promise very plainly in Malachi 3:6 (NLT): “I am the LORD, and I do not change.”

This also means that how He feels about us doesn’t change. “The faithful love of the LORD never ends! His mercies never cease.” (Lamentations 3:22, NLT)

3. God’s Opinion Is the Only One that Matters

As always, don’t take my word for it. Let’s look at THE Word.

In Galatians 1:10 (NLT), the Apostle Paul tells the church at Galatia, “Obviously, I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.”

For those who believe in Jesus, having a servant heart to spread the message of salvation through Jesus is the ultimate purpose we have. “Win[ning] the approval of people” shouldn’t be anyone’s purpose in life. So, why do we, as humans, still do it?

John 12:43 (NLT) has the answer for that one: “For they loved human praise more than the praise of God.”

This verse is one sad-but-true reason why people don’t choose the Christian life. Even as a Christian, I will admit that this struggle is ongoing. The enemy constantly attacks and lies and distracts us into thinking more about ourselves and what other people think than we do about God.

I think John 5:44 (NLT) sums it up well. “No wonder you can’t believe! For you gladly honor each other, but you don’t care about the honor that comes from the one who alone is God.”

All Things Work Together for Good

When I think back on younger me, I am sad for her. I wrote this for her.

But I also know that the enemy wants me to dwell in regret and believe that I wasted so much of my life. And that regret and shame is not from God.

Romans 8:28 (NET) holds this promise: “And we know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.”

No matter what your past — or current — struggle, your life is not a waste. God can redeem any story and use it for good and for His glory. In fact, He wants to use us in spite of our weaknesses. Here’s why:

“But we have this precious treasure [the good news about salvation] in [unworthy] earthen vessels [of human frailty], so that the grandeur and surpassing greatness of the power will be [shown to be] from God [His sufficiency] and not from ourselves.“

2 Corinthians 4:7 (AMP)

Seeking validation will only leave us broken. But God sees even a broken pot as worthy and valid of His attention.

Seek God instead.